Sexy Rodents

Two squirrels frolic

It’s mating season foreplay?

Yes! Humping happens

Mary Raynes


Love Triangle

Diane always takes the bus to the bar

Her beat up Civic won’t take her that far

On Friday nights, she stalks her neighbor, Phin

But his dick and his love, she has yet to win

Alas, Di’s determined – she’s wished on a star

Phin doesn’t know that Diane exists

Though she’s truly determined, and thoroughly persists

She thinks possibly she’ll dye her hair red

Then Phin will follow her home to bed

Di can’t figure out why Phin resists

But then Di learns Phin has his eye on Adele

She’s a bartender at The Jasper, and she rings his bell

Diane will have to find another way

To win Phin’s love hammer – to roll with him in the hay

Though Diane is a witch and could cast a love spell

On Monday night Di bakes Phin a pie

Its special ingredient will make him high

Phin lives four beige houses down

In an historic house of some reknown

He’s also an expert on scotch and rye

So at 8, Diane heads down the street

For what she hopes is a sexy meet and greet

She’s wearing a red teddy under her coat

And she has the chocolate pie in a fancy pink tote

Di wears red stilettos on her size twelve feet

She rings the doorbell, and Phin answers the door

She sees Adele naked on the living room floor

Phin says, you can’t come in – i’m busy now

Adele laughs out loud – Di thinks, what a cow

Suddenly Di hates them down to her core

She turns on her heel and takes her pie back home

She eats the whole thing and contemplates going to Rome

Diane decides to shrivel Phin’s penis

The only way to repair it would be for him to consult Venus

Then she’ll send Adele to freezing cold Nome

Within an hour, sexy Phin loses his erection

And young Adele’s breasts quickly change direction

Di knows being a witch sure comes in handy

Things for Phin will never again be dandy

He should have loved Diane and eaten her confection

Mary Raynes

Murderous Valentine’s Day

Dear my blue eyed sweet lover-pie –

How i wish you’d not told me that big lie

Now you’ll end up face down in the lake

For you, not one piece of Valentine’s Day cake

February 14th will be your long bye-bye

You used to give me gifts of diamonds and pearls

But last week you only gave me the disgusting hurls

You make me want to lop off your head

I dream of tonight when you’ll be good and dead

When you’re gone i’ll seduce one of the three neighborhood Merles

It didn’t kill you when i poisoned your pancakes

Nor when i tampered with your beloved strawberry shakes

Oh my oh my, what method to use?

How do i make you blow that final fuse?

I guess there are always those wooden tomato stakes

How about after lunch we go for a sexy drive?

Before i shove you off Sharp’s Point, i’ll give you a high five

I really wish things could have worked out better

If only you’d been more of an ambitious go-getter

Now i want to shove you into a yellow jacket hive

Instead you decided you want slutty Kate

But tonight, you won’t show up for your date

I so wish you hadn’t lied to me

Now you have to pay the fee

Time for you to meet your ill fate!

Mary Raynes